i don't even know what i want

take a look at my horoscope for the day...
"When your dreams are so vivid, you may feel very close to reaching your goals, but it turns out that you may have more work to do than you realize. Your current plans could be built upon an unrealistic assessment of the situation, so it's not a good idea to make a final decision today. Don't shut yourself off from new information just because it might complicate your life."

written at school on friday morning, and just now being added here

after ending last night's phone conversation on a bad note he called me this morning. i was cold and short on responses, but he kept trying to get me to converse as we usually would. of course i wasn't going to have that. i regretted it as i was doing it but it seemed i was powerless to stop it. consequently i tried to call him back about ten minuetes later but his phone was already turned off for the two weeks of training he was leaving for. now, i am glad i didn't reach him. time always seems to give us perspective doesn't it? i love him but i am angry with him. he says he is doing this because he doesn't want to ruin my life. can't he see that is exactly what he is doing? i feel as if my legs have been kicked out from under me. why don't they ever choose me? i am scared of never fully trusting again. i gave so much of myself to him. and for what? what did i get in return? i thought i had found the best man on earth. i was so sure of it that i married him when i was eighteen. i don't think i was an immature young girl at that time either. honestly, i thought i had found it. guess he is just changing as he gets older. changing what he wants in life. and that is no longer me. we didn't even make it to my twenty-second birthday.

thursday is valentine's day... and that makes this heartache even worse.